i am the dimness before Your great storm;
the inconsistent, uneasy flicker that is blown
with my back to Your power, hair tossed by the wind.
i am the rusty light that rushes away from
Sinai's base, the rocks that break beneath lightning
rumble over cliffs in frantic escape.
Fearful, i am a flower in first morning; turning
to first nightfall under the sheets of rain,
unaware sun comes again, unaware that roots
grow deep while petals hide their face.
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2 comments:
If you're interested in some input...
The comma at the end of line five seems like a mistake.
So you had me going with the first six lines about the dim, flickering light that is you. Then for the last four lines a flower is the subject. I can't find a connection between the two other than hiding of face. Another thing that I kinda like but don't understand is 'unaware sun.' Since the sun is usually tied to light, safety, warmth, and often God, unaware is a nice turn. But not knowing what the sun represents here, I'm left guessing. And maybe that's what you wanted...
I really like the tone established in the beginning. The flower threw me off. I hope smarter people are giving you input as well. I might want things to plain.
OK. After reading it a couple more times...
Are you saying that the flower is unaware that the sun comes again?
That makes sense. Disregard the bit about the sun from the previous comment.
Now the last four lines make sense, and the first six lines make sense. But I still don't feel like they're connected. Maybe it's because you start off very clearly stating 'I'm the dimness...' but never make a statement that clear about our secondary subject.
Maybe I'm just a dork.
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